GOne

So im laying low. staying away from the world. Not as if Im going to extreams im just staying home. No one seems to notice much since my fone dosent ring nor has anybody shown up out of worries that some thing may be wrong. After me loseing my Chongo and not having a job im just out of it. Im not gone you can still reach me Im just very sad

11 years

So I've been having many problems in my life, for the reader I have you know. My best friend who I have know for the better part of 11 years says that he is had decided that he will no longer be my friend. This is the guy who made me promise to not move to Ohio because he didn't want to lose me for his life. A few weeks ago I told him it would be easier for both of us if we parted ways. He has this thing were he tells me that he is not talking to any of his friends and that he sits at home alone, then of course the "Devil" tells me the truth and by devil I mean Facebook. He doesn't want to introduce me to his friends which is fine, but when you tell me that you want to move in together and that you want to spend more time together i find it only appropriate to meet each others friends. Well I guess I was the only one who was enlisted in that theory. I ask him if he wanted to do something on Friday and he told me he was going to stay in for the night, He didn't he went out with his other friends, whom I like to refer to as Loved Friend. The thing is I found out by the Devil that he is moving out with his other friend. I was FUCKING PISSED, I'm doing all this stuff to get a job and a place in the valley to be near him so that we can move out and be near our family's. To find out that hes moving in with someone else, So I called him out on his lies and told him i wanted the damn truth. So of course he says that he is going to stop talking to everybody, but as anyone knows us knows he means me. So I'm lost with out him. I can live without him but its like living with out an a foot. you dont really need it but it makes life easier.

Im tired

I very tired of my life, There is nothing wrong; im just tired of it. I dont think i did but for the benefit of the doubt im going to say that i miss heard. Ive been fighting with my best friend for the better part of 2 hours over the fact that i need to be left in the dark when it comes to certain things. Combine that with the fact that my mom always forgets about me. I have a lot of free time on my hands since i have a job that dose not start for another 2 days. i was making her a scrape book but due to the, for the benefit of the doubt we will say its my fault since i was no were in area at the time of the accident. All of the supplies i had to make her book was ruined so ive been working on other random shit waiting for the back up supplies i left in Texas to arrive. I asked her for some of the old magazines she had so i can cut up for pictures and letters. Its nothing major but she forgot. Its very little, but when it comes to me and my family all i have is the little things. She sent me $20. for bus fair and cigarette money. I would quit smoking and walk to work everyday just to have her say in actual words, " I love you." Me and my chongo tell each other I love you every single day, and it means the world to me, but it means everything to me just to hear my mother say those words. If she does not want to say the words fine, then show that i am in your thoughts, and that is why the magazine are a big issue with me. Out of sight out of mind. i could have gone to see her today but i stayed to see if she would remember.

So i sit here everyday, there can be a room full of people sitting around me and i will still feel alone. Maybe its my views, maybe its my thoughts, maybe i have out grown some people. all i know is that there are some people in my life who meant the world to me and have for some reason decided that they want out of my life with no explanation and no reasoning. It wouldn't be there first time this has happened. If she dose not want to be part of my life i cant make her. i will miss her but its her choice and im sorry that i dont make as much money as you, hell up untill 2 days from now i didnt have a job and i was just back from Texas. So im seriously thinking of moving to Ohio. If you combine all of the things i just wrote about and add in the life time of shit i have so far, and then lived it with the volume pushed up to the max you would want to run away too. But i did make my promise to Chongo, and my heart is empty so im torn. For the few person who actully reads this what would you do if you were in my shoes and weighed 50 lbs more?

Dont do drugs dont smoke weed. I hate drugs. I hate what it does to people and I hate the people who do them. Im am maybe the one in a million person who has never tried them and never wondered what they felt like. I look down on people who have "tried it once" and i cant even look someone in the eyes who smokes it on the regular. I try not to judge cause if given the chance i would take hands full of pills and chase it with a bottle of vodka and look forward to the sleep. Judge me if you want but remember just cause i cant stand to look at you does not mean that you know that i cant stand to look at you.

Chongo I love you and no matter what i hope that we stay friends for ever even if i cant stand to look at you sometimes. As long as you dont tell me i will be able to look at you with dignity.

I dont care how gay I sound when i say this but its true. Im listening to Some Were Over The Rainbow and im crying. I think about what life was what it is and what it could be. there has never been a set time of my life were i was happy, i had moments but nothing notebook worthy, and i wonder if im going to be happy. Do i stay and be by my self, were one friend calls me once a day and the other leaves me bitter remarks on facebook. With a famly who has their own lives to live and I usually spend my time alone scrap booking and singing to myself. To go to this far off land to be with a guy I have not seen in almost years, and im not sure if its a friend thing a lovers thing or if im going out there to be roomates with benifits. I want to be happy i wnat to be with someone who makes me happy and who i make happy, i want to have my friends coexist with eathother and have peacefull times together, and this is why i cry. I dont see any of that happening so get mad at me for saying SHOW ME what I mean to you. I just want to see that im wanted and not just someone you call when there is nothing else to do. I want my life to be at peace. I know thats a lot to ask me but i dont know how to make life changing choices, they start out good but always end up with a big fail stamp placed in a very noticeable spot. Before I get yelled at via Facebook, text message or phone conversation im not talking about anyone person, im talking about all of you so lets just leave it at that.

Musicals

I have a far too glorified opinion on how my life should be. I want to walk down the street and randomly the crowd brakes into dance. A song fills the air and singing replaces our normal conversations. There is an arch enemy and I play the hero. The Codependent shy boy with just enough bounce in his step and highlight to his hair. Lost on the path we call life, hurt but never jaded. Hard but still sensitive. Not too many lead characters but just enough extras so we don't get too bored with the cast. Story line and lyrics that would put Stephen Sondheim to shame. I could be Oliver looking for his way, I could be Anna looking for her king. Sweeney Todd looking for his next Victim. But im more like Tracey Turnblad without the Link. This blog is so gay, and I don't mean like stupid I mean like to guys blowing each other in the bathroom at Griffith Park. With I have never don't (allegedly).

I just have this glorified idea on how my life should be and its not. I'm almost 30 and Just a year ago my life was so much better. I was Thin(ner) single but OK with it and I had a "desk" job that was basically in title only but still it was more then I have now. I'm not saying that moving to Texas was a bad decision but I gained 80 pounds and anything that makes me fat is wrong. If i had to choose between Getting my head cut off or gaining 100 pounds, I would have lost an average 10 pounds with a snap of my fingers (on average the human head weighs 10 pounds). I'm really just looking for my happy. Some day i will be happy and maybe wont be referencing musicals, unless that is my job because if it is I would be real good at it.

Who do I tell

I tried to tell my Bestie Liz today, every time I wanted to I chickened out. But now I dont have to. Im willing to leave again to see if the man I once loved and I still had a chance. All i needed was a few words to be said to me, no i didnt need him to tell me that he loves me. Many people have told me that and i know that the words do not matter its the actions that do. But he didnt say them, and when i tried to talk to my little sister (cause she is the one who is the closeted to me) she turned everything around on me and took all her anger that she has for other people towards me. I dont see the problem in wanting to be wanted, to have some one need me. To hear words that no one says to me. I want to be happy, why cant i be happy. Im tired of people wanting me when there is no one else available. I know im not attractive, and I know im so much of a smart ass that I keep people at a distance. I dont know what to do. You know what people HELP ME the way I help you, you call me to ask me questions you call me when you need to talk, why do I get the answering machine when I call. Im done, and all I wanted to hear was that you wanted me.

whats wrong with me.

I dont know whats wrong with me. Im unhappy. My mind is in a million things running through my head and it bothers me so much that I dont know why. All I do anymore is sleep. I want to run away and go find my happy but it dosent matter were i go i just cant find it. Im never happy were i go and i figure ill just be unhappy for the rest of my life.

BLah BLah

I dont know what is wrong with me. Im not going to glorify anything or anyone by stateing any names are areas of thought but those who are close to me or hell those who even bother to ask know. Ive asked Chongo several times to leave with me. Im a shut in, im not used to it and it bothers me. It almost killed me in Texas and its killing me now. Chongo has forbidden me to ever leave again so im tring to keep my word but I need to Brake free. I have no job right now and im not used to not working, I liked seeing something that i liked or wanted and picked it up and bought it. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, Im in a bad mood and i have tried to reach out but im not getting the words that i need to hear. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Im going to jump off my roof and i live pert high up. Damn it. I was suppost to come home and everything was suppost to work and be for the better and I know it needs time to happen but in 15 years ill be 40. I dont want to be 30( i still have a few years) and living with my sister, I thought at this age i would be dead or married, Ive tried both and here i am not in either column.

Denial. Leave it be.

So I like to live in this little world called denial. Im not tring to turn this blog into a judgment condemning blog, its a lets do me a favor blog. People can do what they want, if it makes you happy feel free to do it and do it a little for me too. But i dont need to hear about it, I don't care how slutty he or she was or how easy it was to steal, or how curled you toes curled. I DON'T CARE. If i ask you several times not to tell me and you tell me pf course im going to be mad. I love that you trust me enough to tell me but your going to tell everyone else to so don't tell me. I dont do drugs and all my friends know this fact, I wish that they wouldn't but i cant make them do anything nor would i want to. But i ask that if they do not to tel me, one way or another im told and i back off. Here is why it bothers me. I live in this world of denial, i like to beleave that the people i love wouldn't turn to drugs, Ive seen what it does and it killed my father and it killed the relationship i had with him before he died. So basically people who don't smoke pot or snort crystal are glorified in my mind because they're better then my father, I hope this makes sense cause my reasons make sense to me at least. Im no saint but i do know im better then my dad ever was and ever wished he could be. My heart brakes every time some tells me that they want to get high or tells me that they're stoners. I cried for 3 days when my mother told me about her drug use, she is the one who talks more shit then me about my dad and his drug use. The only differnence between me and my mother is im no a hypocrite. So far ive met only a few people in my life who have never done drugs and I hope they stick with it. Also little sister i know your a grown ass person, but if your grown enough to do the stupid shit you do then your grown enough to deal with what happens and I don't care what you do or who you do it with but i don't want to know about it, and also keep it off of facebook cause i will help you and send it to everyone of out family members just in case they don't read you posts. STOP BEING STUPID AND STOP POSTING WHAT YOU DO ON FACEBOOK

The object of subjection...

..Is but a dream as i cause this scene to be unseen.

Perspectives. I know that you can not judge a book by its cover, I am the number one candidate for that little magik saying. So I have alot of time on my hands so Ive been doing a lot of what would be called facebook stalking. Ive found some old friends and made a few new ones. But im finding out lots of information and reminded of some old. Things that i buried to keep me sane, like when my ex cheated and I discovered some much info through my then connections and myspace page. Or the knowlage of him being traded during swinger sessions and the only reasons he let it happen was because that is what the boyfriend wanted. Or when I read about all the good and fun things that people are doing and im sitting at home blogging, or how i stay up most of the night because i dont have to get up early for anything. Or when i hear about peoples days at work(trust i ask my friends about their work) just so i can remember what its like to do something. It also Bothers me that if i were cute even by just a little bit more I could have a little but more of a chance at a better life. Well im tired of typing and nothing i say or do will ever help me through my issues.

See Ricky Run

I am very symbiotic when it comes to emotions, when someone is in a mood i can feel it and it bothers me. I spend the rest of the time thinking that i did something wrong, or i try to help that person out. Then even after crisis is averted i still maintain that I did something wrong. Then while the mood is somber i start to think its because i didnt do this or i didnt do that and the major problem is that i just got back into town and still do not have a job. This is were my psychosis kicks in, when my emotion state is at it lowest my natural instincts kick in and i want to run. I dont have anywere to run to but i dont like being uncomfortable. My mind is like a zombie movie, when something happens to me i run away from it like its a zombie craving brains. I used to fight to makes things better fight to live, fight to smile, fight to be happy. I find its just easier to run from the fear, run away and start over with a new name and a new place. Things would be a lot better if i had a job and lived closer to my friends, but of course im out here in the mountains of LA far far away from any of my friends.

the perfict Guy

The guy for me has to have 2 major attributes that are required. 1 He must get along with my Family and Friends. Treat me the way i treat him. Other then that i have a list of things that are not too important, shit beggars cant be choosers. I need Him to get my humor and not just laugh cause i said something. Smoker, so when i run out i can borrow his( but he better not take my damn cigarettes, bastard get a job and buy you own damn cigarettes. Kidding.) He has to have a job and hopefully his own place and dose not live with family (only one of us can and that's me, damn i wish i had a job and my own place!!!.) Im willing to try anything twice (except for drugs and women.) Be Drug Free, i dont care if hes tried them (i never have) but i dont want him to be telling me of his many drugged up adventures and how he woke up with the needle in his arm. He dosent have to be a comic geek (I hate people who only have knowledge based on the marvel movies that come out, its not accurate!!!!!) but if he showed a little interest in my hobby beyond a shakeing of his head as i speak would be nice. He needs to know i dont drink beer so please dont ask me just bring me some vodka and a valume and lets make it a night. Im allergic to Fish and Latex so please dont eat fish and kiss me it will Kill YOU. Ya and the Latex thing is not code for unprotected sex, just repeated exposer cause a rash and inflammation, so as much of a freak as i am he needs to know that, cause sometimes its not a perty sight, damn that sound like a hidden message ( its realy not id have to love the guy and willing to spend the rest of the night, i mean life with the guy to go there, lol.) (I wonder how many letters im going to get from that?) If i get bored he cant be camera shy cause sometimes i like to be all Asian and take millions of pictures, dont worry i only keep about 4 of them(thanks god for digicams.) I think my blog just turned into another list. See what im saying about my writing him HDADD, so what now, oh ya im watching I LOVE YOU PHILLIP MORRIS, its the gayest movie Jim Carry has Made im mean literally, and i think all his movies are gay but watching Ewan Mcgregor Playing another Gay role its weird (sarcasm he always plays gay, didnt you see star wars?

Life

Im never going to have kids and im never going to get married and there is probably a million other things that ill never do or have. Oncne i was told that i was going to be a godfather, but her husband didnt want her sone to be around a gay man so i lost that chance and that friend. But growing up in a house of girls were my older sister is 7 years older and your younger sister is 9 years younger, there isnt going to be a lot of chances to be an uncle. I have a nephew and i love him but i never got to be that cool uncle who he admired and played baseball and teach him how to talk to girls. I get people who call me for advice and to talk and i dont mind i love having that feeling that im needed and respected for my opinion. I get people wanting me to babysit and cook dinners and sometimes i get people wanting to borrow money. But I never get asked to be a godparent. Not that is high on my list of things I want to happen but being a Father is on my list. I want to be a Father i just dont want the kids to be mine, i guess I would like to be an uncle again, I also want to make things good with my nephew, growing up he hated me but i hope now that he is an adult we can be great friends.

With that said too im just putting it out there cause if i say it dosent bother im lying im just saving face. I grew up with woman no men. Then my mom got married again, and we got our little sister. Now if i get married i know that I want my sisters and mother to be part of the wedding, and if i were the bride I ask my mother to give me away or my Older sister.My little sister still has her dad so i know i wont get the chance to give her away even though she already said that if she gets married she ask me being her older brother. With that said ya. I love my sister and shes getting married, Shes asking her step Father to give her away, she dosent even like him. Me being her only brother thinks she should ask My Mother, not that i hope it would happen, but why not your only brother to give you away. I know im not the best looking person in the world but people know what i look like its not a shock. Im sorry im just in one of the moods. Im lonely and sad and wish i had someone to give me a big and and tell me that they love me. I dont even have any alchol to make these feeling go away.

Untill Next time bitches and you can quote me.

Change

I Hate when i do this to myself, I always try to base my life on everyone around me. My Exboyfriend is doing so much with his life. My Friends are all doing great things for themselves. Im not I never seem to go forward in my life. Some people tell me that i give them inspiration because i throw caution to the wind. I take chances and i do crazy things that nobody has the balls to do. Chongo keeps asking when im leaving like i have this pattern of packing up and moving away. I dont have a pattern but i do move alot. Ive been doing it since i was a kid. I guess its another way of me keeping myself from getting hurt anyone then i do. Im tired of moving im tired running away. Me moving away is like turing my back on my friends and im tired of hurting them, it also sucks that i make great friends but never get to keep them. I guess it goes to show me that i can make friends and that i can find the trust that i never give people.I have Dreams and i can never find a way to full fill them, but i hope this time i can do something about it. See i start writing one of theses blogs and i start out good and i lose my steam, i guess being a writer is out of the question since it seems i cant. i started watching charlieissocoollike videos and now im on pussycat dolls and when i grow i want to have boobies, wait anyways i know i wont be getting any bloggies with my blog but at least the 7 of my readers can have some sort of random ramble of a blog to read.

Home

Ok I dont regret comming home and i know that it takes time for things to work out. But Damn Tomarrow will be 1 week of me being home. Ya I filling out applications, mostly online. It just sucks that im not working. I dont want to go to a fast food Place but i know that i may have to. I Hated Texas but i had a job and a place. Mabe i wouldnt have the place if i stayed but i would have a job. Im glad im home i just wish that i was working sitting home dosent help. I just am afraid all the fears that i had before comming home. Oh well to the positive. I missed Latinos. real Latinos there were none in texas, the ones that were there spoke english and had good jobs. I like My latinos not speaking english and moweing lawns, there just hotter to me. Ive been watching Logo all week, i missed it. i get to spend more time with my friends but im living out here in the middle of greece up on mount olympis, minus the gods. I get to spend time with my sister but she comes home from work and i feel bad cause i sat on my ass all day watching tv and blogging, ya im filling applications but still its not work. I cant wait till friday when i get to spend some time with my mother, ya im going to have to leave for my Welcome home Party, but ill be back to see her. This weekend i get to see my famly, My grandmother and all my aunts and cousins. Damn i do realy wish that i was working so i could bitch about that and not be home all day. Calgon take me away. Oh well there showing the entire CHO SHOW on logo so im going to watch it,(there is another show that souldnt have been canceled)

Regrets

I had one regret about moving to texas. I regreted leaving behind my friends. I left for a year and i always kicked mself in the ass for leaving them behind. Now im going home and i have one regret about leaveing texas. I dont regret leaving cali my friends stuck with me the whole time i was gone and my ture friends are still my friends, my regrets now have nothing to do with wish i can stay. I hate Texas everybody who knows me knows this. I am regreting leaving behind my friends I made here in Texas. Im a person who finds it hard to make friends but i made some great friends and some Major Enemys but even the enemys i made out here are valued to me, they help mold me into the person i am now and the person i will become. My one major regret is Gaining all this fucking Weight, it too better be gone soon, i may develope so of my old eating disorders till i get thin again. Anyways i digress. I will miss you Texans who i Call Friend, you help make texas bareable and i hope that you will visit me in California, im going to try to visit texas but i know that i will end up getting a job that will not give me the time off i need to come visit but if i get the chance to i will. I need to see my kids, all my kids Chance, Faith, Devo, Braden, Kailen, Alex, joey, dustin, and their parents, Peoples Pets, Freinds , my Famly and extended Famly. I will shout out Amy and Katie. They were the 2 who were there to help me when i needed it the most, Robyn who wasent the worst roomate but helped me when i was on the verge of a mental brake down, Evil-lynn, she was always there out of the clear blue and always made me smile. Anyone else i love you, those who came into my life will always be a part of it and you have my number and i have yours so keep in touch. Just to be an ass im going to say one more name to see if he notices. PATRICK HEALY, there i put you into a blog now shut up. Anyways i beleave that i came into your lives for a reason now use what i left with you to make your lives better.

St. Patricks Day

Today is my favorite holiday, simply because green is one of my favorite Color. For those who dont know I live in texas, i have been here for the past year and it hasent all been bad. but when you weigh the pros and cons, ya well with me there are very few pros. But I am from california and one of the major pros is my Best Friend Liz. One of the Major Cons is Fear, so i figure hope is always better then fear. Recently My room Mate lost her job and got the option of being demoted or walk, she chose the demotion and none the less we broke our lease, just short 3 months of finishing up the term. So im heading home 5 months early. Im super excited and super scared at the same time. I just wish i had a little more time simply for the fact that since about 2 weeks of living in texas i had a full time job that had me at work a majority of the day. I made a few friends they turned out to be very bad people, had my cousin (the one i came out here to help in the first place ) come in and out of my life depending on who was in hers. This experience out here help me alot and made me very grateful for what i had back at home, but i am FUCKING mad. I gained so much weight out here. i havent balloned much but my clothes that were form fitting no longer fit this form and then i have my fat clothes that fit me too big, i have no middle ground on the wardrob department. I realy dont know what this blog was about but there is nothing on and i realy dont feel like watching the bad girls club for the hundreth time. I also have alot of paxking to do and i use that term loosley cause im throwing away almost everything that does not fit into a duffle bag and messanger bag

Self Esteem, Self Destructon

Today i thought i would talk about Esteem. Im not going to sit here and preach about things and sound like a hippoCrite, I too make other people feel bad about themselfs mostly it pops out of my mouth without me realizing it. But when we as a whole make people feel bad about them selfs, be it with words or with your looks (as in eye rolls, dirty looks, evil eye, middle fingers etc etc.) you create this thing inside that it literaly eats at you.

I try to maintain that i dont care what people think of me, and usually i dont. But when im in a low state and already hateing myself one look or one "what ever" throws me over the edge. All my life people use evrything they can to hurt me and people use everything they can to use me. My entire childhood i was told that i was evil and worthless and not wanted and hated and unloved and a mistake. That took so much away from me. It lowered me to a point of not wanting to live. Then i met Saber. He was 5 years older then me and told me things that no one had ever told me before and of course being 13 it was nice to hear it. He Raped me, repeatedly. In my head he loved me and i had to keep him loving me so i didnt tell anyone.

My husband cheated on me and John came around telling me that i deserved more, that he loved me and wanted me to be happy and move in with him, knowing that i had to move back home and that my mother and her husband didnt want me in the house. Everytime i was with john i felt like a whore and i felt dirty and i cried the whole time and cried as i scrubbed my self till i bled. I left him and cut him out of my life when he tried to pass me around to his friends. Im fucked up. There are many other stories to tell that i dont want to rememeber, the cop who used his power against me and made me feel like the girl from the movie "monster." Here in texas im doing a little better i gained alot of weight so that no matter what no man will ever use me again, except for that guy who want to snort Cocain off my ass and fist me. (long story my cousins patiants friend, blind connection status) but now ive gained so much weight im soo unhappy. No matter what i do im unhappy. Ive been Fucked all my life that i may never get better.I can lose weight but when im thin im such a whore. Me and Sancho hooked up in front of the chruch were my sister used to go to school. It was night time but still wrong.

Rules of the Road

Speed Limits are put in place for a reason. Wait till the traffic has cleared before you try to come out into the middle of the street, Pedestrians have the right of way, but not when you walk out into the middle of the street. Mabe its cause im from Cali but i tend to follow all rules. Oh ya the red Zone is not there to save you a Parking spot, just so you know old people or people who are "in a Hurry" in cali your asses would have gotten a ticket and towed. Basically what im saying is texas sucks.

Today I also went to hobby Lobby to get some colored paper for my scrap book and this Bitch looked me up and down and then gave me a dirty look. Bitch you were in a Matching Sweat Suit. That aint cute. Oh and Hastings( for those of you who read my blog. Hi heather) I know your Name; out of respect for you and the respect you show me i wont use your name on here. BRIAN. Ya i go into that store every single day, its right next door. But i Fucking Tired of getting Dirty looks, is it cause im gay? is it cause im mexican? is it cause im Fillapeno? Is it cause you wont me to touch your penis? Im sorry i have very low standards but your an ass and i wont. Anyways i spend My HARD EARNED HOMOSEXUAL LATINO FILAPENO Money. Ya i turn everything racial and to homophobia. Ill be back LAte and Anomous grow a pair and leav your name. I love people who say what on their mind and mean it with conviction. Props for your Sarcasim

In back; for now

So I havent been posting on here latley. I just have been in such a mood. So im going to fill in my 5's of readers. Ive become such a crabby hermit. I go to work and then i come home and i sit on facebook. I dont get invited out and I dont have many friends. My major problem is I dont trust anyone. The few people that I have friended have been 2 faced. There not all bad but you know what im not in this world to please everyone, the most i can hope for is a smile every now and again.

Im still haveing issues with my roomate, but she dosent even know. I know i may sound like a dick or an asshole. But what is wrong with a "Thank You" or a "blesh You." Mabe its a texas thing cause i rarely hear it. She beleaves that being gay is a choice because that is how she was raised. Shes never asked me if i "choose" to be gay. She gets mad when people say interracial couples souldnt get married but dosent beleave that I should be allowed to get married. Im from Cali were people think the same thing, but you have no rights to tell me what to do, cause if you think you have a right to tell me how to live my life then i have a list for you. (this is a Tangent and not nessaserly about my Rommie).

I love my roomie and her famly but when you say something to me that hurts me and emotionaly scares me and then blame it on "thats how i was raised." what makes you think I want to be in a place were I know everyone is looking at me with judgment in their eyes and in their minds. My mother Raised me, but i still have my own opinions, and regardless of what she was raised she sees me as her son and i do hope that she loves me. I know my sisters love me no matter what I am, Hell I think they may love me more as a gay man then a straight boy.

I am not one to hide my feelings especially if im asked (by the way you clicking on the link and reading this was of your own free will so yes you asked) but i was betrayed by one of the friends i spoke of earlier. I wrote an opinion of mine and sent it to coworkers for the feed back someone who was not included print said writing out and gave it to her. Fine im not betrayed by the act but by the lies. I talked to the co worker and she was mad but understood that what i wrote was exactly what i have said to her person to person. ( heres the thing, they didnt get that i was talking about another coworker and used the first co worker as my opening sentence)( its hard to do this without names).Im not going to post anything that has not already been said.

Now ill be going home in August and im scared. All of my friends are too busy with their own lives and here i am again a grown ass man starting over from scratch. Nuff Said.