Self Esteem, Self Destructon

Today i thought i would talk about Esteem. Im not going to sit here and preach about things and sound like a hippoCrite, I too make other people feel bad about themselfs mostly it pops out of my mouth without me realizing it. But when we as a whole make people feel bad about them selfs, be it with words or with your looks (as in eye rolls, dirty looks, evil eye, middle fingers etc etc.) you create this thing inside that it literaly eats at you.

I try to maintain that i dont care what people think of me, and usually i dont. But when im in a low state and already hateing myself one look or one "what ever" throws me over the edge. All my life people use evrything they can to hurt me and people use everything they can to use me. My entire childhood i was told that i was evil and worthless and not wanted and hated and unloved and a mistake. That took so much away from me. It lowered me to a point of not wanting to live. Then i met Saber. He was 5 years older then me and told me things that no one had ever told me before and of course being 13 it was nice to hear it. He Raped me, repeatedly. In my head he loved me and i had to keep him loving me so i didnt tell anyone.

My husband cheated on me and John came around telling me that i deserved more, that he loved me and wanted me to be happy and move in with him, knowing that i had to move back home and that my mother and her husband didnt want me in the house. Everytime i was with john i felt like a whore and i felt dirty and i cried the whole time and cried as i scrubbed my self till i bled. I left him and cut him out of my life when he tried to pass me around to his friends. Im fucked up. There are many other stories to tell that i dont want to rememeber, the cop who used his power against me and made me feel like the girl from the movie "monster." Here in texas im doing a little better i gained alot of weight so that no matter what no man will ever use me again, except for that guy who want to snort Cocain off my ass and fist me. (long story my cousins patiants friend, blind connection status) but now ive gained so much weight im soo unhappy. No matter what i do im unhappy. Ive been Fucked all my life that i may never get better.I can lose weight but when im thin im such a whore. Me and Sancho hooked up in front of the chruch were my sister used to go to school. It was night time but still wrong.

Rules of the Road

Speed Limits are put in place for a reason. Wait till the traffic has cleared before you try to come out into the middle of the street, Pedestrians have the right of way, but not when you walk out into the middle of the street. Mabe its cause im from Cali but i tend to follow all rules. Oh ya the red Zone is not there to save you a Parking spot, just so you know old people or people who are "in a Hurry" in cali your asses would have gotten a ticket and towed. Basically what im saying is texas sucks.

Today I also went to hobby Lobby to get some colored paper for my scrap book and this Bitch looked me up and down and then gave me a dirty look. Bitch you were in a Matching Sweat Suit. That aint cute. Oh and Hastings( for those of you who read my blog. Hi heather) I know your Name; out of respect for you and the respect you show me i wont use your name on here. BRIAN. Ya i go into that store every single day, its right next door. But i Fucking Tired of getting Dirty looks, is it cause im gay? is it cause im mexican? is it cause im Fillapeno? Is it cause you wont me to touch your penis? Im sorry i have very low standards but your an ass and i wont. Anyways i spend My HARD EARNED HOMOSEXUAL LATINO FILAPENO Money. Ya i turn everything racial and to homophobia. Ill be back LAte and Anomous grow a pair and leav your name. I love people who say what on their mind and mean it with conviction. Props for your Sarcasim

In back; for now

So I havent been posting on here latley. I just have been in such a mood. So im going to fill in my 5's of readers. Ive become such a crabby hermit. I go to work and then i come home and i sit on facebook. I dont get invited out and I dont have many friends. My major problem is I dont trust anyone. The few people that I have friended have been 2 faced. There not all bad but you know what im not in this world to please everyone, the most i can hope for is a smile every now and again.

Im still haveing issues with my roomate, but she dosent even know. I know i may sound like a dick or an asshole. But what is wrong with a "Thank You" or a "blesh You." Mabe its a texas thing cause i rarely hear it. She beleaves that being gay is a choice because that is how she was raised. Shes never asked me if i "choose" to be gay. She gets mad when people say interracial couples souldnt get married but dosent beleave that I should be allowed to get married. Im from Cali were people think the same thing, but you have no rights to tell me what to do, cause if you think you have a right to tell me how to live my life then i have a list for you. (this is a Tangent and not nessaserly about my Rommie).

I love my roomie and her famly but when you say something to me that hurts me and emotionaly scares me and then blame it on "thats how i was raised." what makes you think I want to be in a place were I know everyone is looking at me with judgment in their eyes and in their minds. My mother Raised me, but i still have my own opinions, and regardless of what she was raised she sees me as her son and i do hope that she loves me. I know my sisters love me no matter what I am, Hell I think they may love me more as a gay man then a straight boy.

I am not one to hide my feelings especially if im asked (by the way you clicking on the link and reading this was of your own free will so yes you asked) but i was betrayed by one of the friends i spoke of earlier. I wrote an opinion of mine and sent it to coworkers for the feed back someone who was not included print said writing out and gave it to her. Fine im not betrayed by the act but by the lies. I talked to the co worker and she was mad but understood that what i wrote was exactly what i have said to her person to person. ( heres the thing, they didnt get that i was talking about another coworker and used the first co worker as my opening sentence)( its hard to do this without names).Im not going to post anything that has not already been said.

Now ill be going home in August and im scared. All of my friends are too busy with their own lives and here i am again a grown ass man starting over from scratch. Nuff Said.