Denial. Leave it be.

So I like to live in this little world called denial. Im not tring to turn this blog into a judgment condemning blog, its a lets do me a favor blog. People can do what they want, if it makes you happy feel free to do it and do it a little for me too. But i dont need to hear about it, I don't care how slutty he or she was or how easy it was to steal, or how curled you toes curled. I DON'T CARE. If i ask you several times not to tell me and you tell me pf course im going to be mad. I love that you trust me enough to tell me but your going to tell everyone else to so don't tell me. I dont do drugs and all my friends know this fact, I wish that they wouldn't but i cant make them do anything nor would i want to. But i ask that if they do not to tel me, one way or another im told and i back off. Here is why it bothers me. I live in this world of denial, i like to beleave that the people i love wouldn't turn to drugs, Ive seen what it does and it killed my father and it killed the relationship i had with him before he died. So basically people who don't smoke pot or snort crystal are glorified in my mind because they're better then my father, I hope this makes sense cause my reasons make sense to me at least. Im no saint but i do know im better then my dad ever was and ever wished he could be. My heart brakes every time some tells me that they want to get high or tells me that they're stoners. I cried for 3 days when my mother told me about her drug use, she is the one who talks more shit then me about my dad and his drug use. The only differnence between me and my mother is im no a hypocrite. So far ive met only a few people in my life who have never done drugs and I hope they stick with it. Also little sister i know your a grown ass person, but if your grown enough to do the stupid shit you do then your grown enough to deal with what happens and I don't care what you do or who you do it with but i don't want to know about it, and also keep it off of facebook cause i will help you and send it to everyone of out family members just in case they don't read you posts. STOP BEING STUPID AND STOP POSTING WHAT YOU DO ON FACEBOOK

The object of subjection...

..Is but a dream as i cause this scene to be unseen.

Perspectives. I know that you can not judge a book by its cover, I am the number one candidate for that little magik saying. So I have alot of time on my hands so Ive been doing a lot of what would be called facebook stalking. Ive found some old friends and made a few new ones. But im finding out lots of information and reminded of some old. Things that i buried to keep me sane, like when my ex cheated and I discovered some much info through my then connections and myspace page. Or the knowlage of him being traded during swinger sessions and the only reasons he let it happen was because that is what the boyfriend wanted. Or when I read about all the good and fun things that people are doing and im sitting at home blogging, or how i stay up most of the night because i dont have to get up early for anything. Or when i hear about peoples days at work(trust i ask my friends about their work) just so i can remember what its like to do something. It also Bothers me that if i were cute even by just a little bit more I could have a little but more of a chance at a better life. Well im tired of typing and nothing i say or do will ever help me through my issues.

See Ricky Run

I am very symbiotic when it comes to emotions, when someone is in a mood i can feel it and it bothers me. I spend the rest of the time thinking that i did something wrong, or i try to help that person out. Then even after crisis is averted i still maintain that I did something wrong. Then while the mood is somber i start to think its because i didnt do this or i didnt do that and the major problem is that i just got back into town and still do not have a job. This is were my psychosis kicks in, when my emotion state is at it lowest my natural instincts kick in and i want to run. I dont have anywere to run to but i dont like being uncomfortable. My mind is like a zombie movie, when something happens to me i run away from it like its a zombie craving brains. I used to fight to makes things better fight to live, fight to smile, fight to be happy. I find its just easier to run from the fear, run away and start over with a new name and a new place. Things would be a lot better if i had a job and lived closer to my friends, but of course im out here in the mountains of LA far far away from any of my friends.

the perfict Guy

The guy for me has to have 2 major attributes that are required. 1 He must get along with my Family and Friends. Treat me the way i treat him. Other then that i have a list of things that are not too important, shit beggars cant be choosers. I need Him to get my humor and not just laugh cause i said something. Smoker, so when i run out i can borrow his( but he better not take my damn cigarettes, bastard get a job and buy you own damn cigarettes. Kidding.) He has to have a job and hopefully his own place and dose not live with family (only one of us can and that's me, damn i wish i had a job and my own place!!!.) Im willing to try anything twice (except for drugs and women.) Be Drug Free, i dont care if hes tried them (i never have) but i dont want him to be telling me of his many drugged up adventures and how he woke up with the needle in his arm. He dosent have to be a comic geek (I hate people who only have knowledge based on the marvel movies that come out, its not accurate!!!!!) but if he showed a little interest in my hobby beyond a shakeing of his head as i speak would be nice. He needs to know i dont drink beer so please dont ask me just bring me some vodka and a valume and lets make it a night. Im allergic to Fish and Latex so please dont eat fish and kiss me it will Kill YOU. Ya and the Latex thing is not code for unprotected sex, just repeated exposer cause a rash and inflammation, so as much of a freak as i am he needs to know that, cause sometimes its not a perty sight, damn that sound like a hidden message ( its realy not id have to love the guy and willing to spend the rest of the night, i mean life with the guy to go there, lol.) (I wonder how many letters im going to get from that?) If i get bored he cant be camera shy cause sometimes i like to be all Asian and take millions of pictures, dont worry i only keep about 4 of them(thanks god for digicams.) I think my blog just turned into another list. See what im saying about my writing him HDADD, so what now, oh ya im watching I LOVE YOU PHILLIP MORRIS, its the gayest movie Jim Carry has Made im mean literally, and i think all his movies are gay but watching Ewan Mcgregor Playing another Gay role its weird (sarcasm he always plays gay, didnt you see star wars?

Life

Im never going to have kids and im never going to get married and there is probably a million other things that ill never do or have. Oncne i was told that i was going to be a godfather, but her husband didnt want her sone to be around a gay man so i lost that chance and that friend. But growing up in a house of girls were my older sister is 7 years older and your younger sister is 9 years younger, there isnt going to be a lot of chances to be an uncle. I have a nephew and i love him but i never got to be that cool uncle who he admired and played baseball and teach him how to talk to girls. I get people who call me for advice and to talk and i dont mind i love having that feeling that im needed and respected for my opinion. I get people wanting me to babysit and cook dinners and sometimes i get people wanting to borrow money. But I never get asked to be a godparent. Not that is high on my list of things I want to happen but being a Father is on my list. I want to be a Father i just dont want the kids to be mine, i guess I would like to be an uncle again, I also want to make things good with my nephew, growing up he hated me but i hope now that he is an adult we can be great friends.

With that said too im just putting it out there cause if i say it dosent bother im lying im just saving face. I grew up with woman no men. Then my mom got married again, and we got our little sister. Now if i get married i know that I want my sisters and mother to be part of the wedding, and if i were the bride I ask my mother to give me away or my Older sister.My little sister still has her dad so i know i wont get the chance to give her away even though she already said that if she gets married she ask me being her older brother. With that said ya. I love my sister and shes getting married, Shes asking her step Father to give her away, she dosent even like him. Me being her only brother thinks she should ask My Mother, not that i hope it would happen, but why not your only brother to give you away. I know im not the best looking person in the world but people know what i look like its not a shock. Im sorry im just in one of the moods. Im lonely and sad and wish i had someone to give me a big and and tell me that they love me. I dont even have any alchol to make these feeling go away.

Untill Next time bitches and you can quote me.