Self Esteem, Self Destructon

Today i thought i would talk about Esteem. Im not going to sit here and preach about things and sound like a hippoCrite, I too make other people feel bad about themselfs mostly it pops out of my mouth without me realizing it. But when we as a whole make people feel bad about them selfs, be it with words or with your looks (as in eye rolls, dirty looks, evil eye, middle fingers etc etc.) you create this thing inside that it literaly eats at you.

I try to maintain that i dont care what people think of me, and usually i dont. But when im in a low state and already hateing myself one look or one "what ever" throws me over the edge. All my life people use evrything they can to hurt me and people use everything they can to use me. My entire childhood i was told that i was evil and worthless and not wanted and hated and unloved and a mistake. That took so much away from me. It lowered me to a point of not wanting to live. Then i met Saber. He was 5 years older then me and told me things that no one had ever told me before and of course being 13 it was nice to hear it. He Raped me, repeatedly. In my head he loved me and i had to keep him loving me so i didnt tell anyone.

My husband cheated on me and John came around telling me that i deserved more, that he loved me and wanted me to be happy and move in with him, knowing that i had to move back home and that my mother and her husband didnt want me in the house. Everytime i was with john i felt like a whore and i felt dirty and i cried the whole time and cried as i scrubbed my self till i bled. I left him and cut him out of my life when he tried to pass me around to his friends. Im fucked up. There are many other stories to tell that i dont want to rememeber, the cop who used his power against me and made me feel like the girl from the movie "monster." Here in texas im doing a little better i gained alot of weight so that no matter what no man will ever use me again, except for that guy who want to snort Cocain off my ass and fist me. (long story my cousins patiants friend, blind connection status) but now ive gained so much weight im soo unhappy. No matter what i do im unhappy. Ive been Fucked all my life that i may never get better.I can lose weight but when im thin im such a whore. Me and Sancho hooked up in front of the chruch were my sister used to go to school. It was night time but still wrong.