Musicals

I have a far too glorified opinion on how my life should be. I want to walk down the street and randomly the crowd brakes into dance. A song fills the air and singing replaces our normal conversations. There is an arch enemy and I play the hero. The Codependent shy boy with just enough bounce in his step and highlight to his hair. Lost on the path we call life, hurt but never jaded. Hard but still sensitive. Not too many lead characters but just enough extras so we don't get too bored with the cast. Story line and lyrics that would put Stephen Sondheim to shame. I could be Oliver looking for his way, I could be Anna looking for her king. Sweeney Todd looking for his next Victim. But im more like Tracey Turnblad without the Link. This blog is so gay, and I don't mean like stupid I mean like to guys blowing each other in the bathroom at Griffith Park. With I have never don't (allegedly).

I just have this glorified idea on how my life should be and its not. I'm almost 30 and Just a year ago my life was so much better. I was Thin(ner) single but OK with it and I had a "desk" job that was basically in title only but still it was more then I have now. I'm not saying that moving to Texas was a bad decision but I gained 80 pounds and anything that makes me fat is wrong. If i had to choose between Getting my head cut off or gaining 100 pounds, I would have lost an average 10 pounds with a snap of my fingers (on average the human head weighs 10 pounds). I'm really just looking for my happy. Some day i will be happy and maybe wont be referencing musicals, unless that is my job because if it is I would be real good at it.

Who do I tell

I tried to tell my Bestie Liz today, every time I wanted to I chickened out. But now I dont have to. Im willing to leave again to see if the man I once loved and I still had a chance. All i needed was a few words to be said to me, no i didnt need him to tell me that he loves me. Many people have told me that and i know that the words do not matter its the actions that do. But he didnt say them, and when i tried to talk to my little sister (cause she is the one who is the closeted to me) she turned everything around on me and took all her anger that she has for other people towards me. I dont see the problem in wanting to be wanted, to have some one need me. To hear words that no one says to me. I want to be happy, why cant i be happy. Im tired of people wanting me when there is no one else available. I know im not attractive, and I know im so much of a smart ass that I keep people at a distance. I dont know what to do. You know what people HELP ME the way I help you, you call me to ask me questions you call me when you need to talk, why do I get the answering machine when I call. Im done, and all I wanted to hear was that you wanted me.

whats wrong with me.

I dont know whats wrong with me. Im unhappy. My mind is in a million things running through my head and it bothers me so much that I dont know why. All I do anymore is sleep. I want to run away and go find my happy but it dosent matter were i go i just cant find it. Im never happy were i go and i figure ill just be unhappy for the rest of my life.

BLah BLah

I dont know what is wrong with me. Im not going to glorify anything or anyone by stateing any names are areas of thought but those who are close to me or hell those who even bother to ask know. Ive asked Chongo several times to leave with me. Im a shut in, im not used to it and it bothers me. It almost killed me in Texas and its killing me now. Chongo has forbidden me to ever leave again so im tring to keep my word but I need to Brake free. I have no job right now and im not used to not working, I liked seeing something that i liked or wanted and picked it up and bought it. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, Im in a bad mood and i have tried to reach out but im not getting the words that i need to hear. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Im going to jump off my roof and i live pert high up. Damn it. I was suppost to come home and everything was suppost to work and be for the better and I know it needs time to happen but in 15 years ill be 40. I dont want to be 30( i still have a few years) and living with my sister, I thought at this age i would be dead or married, Ive tried both and here i am not in either column.