GOne

So im laying low. staying away from the world. Not as if Im going to extreams im just staying home. No one seems to notice much since my fone dosent ring nor has anybody shown up out of worries that some thing may be wrong. After me loseing my Chongo and not having a job im just out of it. Im not gone you can still reach me Im just very sad

11 years

So I've been having many problems in my life, for the reader I have you know. My best friend who I have know for the better part of 11 years says that he is had decided that he will no longer be my friend. This is the guy who made me promise to not move to Ohio because he didn't want to lose me for his life. A few weeks ago I told him it would be easier for both of us if we parted ways. He has this thing were he tells me that he is not talking to any of his friends and that he sits at home alone, then of course the "Devil" tells me the truth and by devil I mean Facebook. He doesn't want to introduce me to his friends which is fine, but when you tell me that you want to move in together and that you want to spend more time together i find it only appropriate to meet each others friends. Well I guess I was the only one who was enlisted in that theory. I ask him if he wanted to do something on Friday and he told me he was going to stay in for the night, He didn't he went out with his other friends, whom I like to refer to as Loved Friend. The thing is I found out by the Devil that he is moving out with his other friend. I was FUCKING PISSED, I'm doing all this stuff to get a job and a place in the valley to be near him so that we can move out and be near our family's. To find out that hes moving in with someone else, So I called him out on his lies and told him i wanted the damn truth. So of course he says that he is going to stop talking to everybody, but as anyone knows us knows he means me. So I'm lost with out him. I can live without him but its like living with out an a foot. you dont really need it but it makes life easier.

Im tired

I very tired of my life, There is nothing wrong; im just tired of it. I dont think i did but for the benefit of the doubt im going to say that i miss heard. Ive been fighting with my best friend for the better part of 2 hours over the fact that i need to be left in the dark when it comes to certain things. Combine that with the fact that my mom always forgets about me. I have a lot of free time on my hands since i have a job that dose not start for another 2 days. i was making her a scrape book but due to the, for the benefit of the doubt we will say its my fault since i was no were in area at the time of the accident. All of the supplies i had to make her book was ruined so ive been working on other random shit waiting for the back up supplies i left in Texas to arrive. I asked her for some of the old magazines she had so i can cut up for pictures and letters. Its nothing major but she forgot. Its very little, but when it comes to me and my family all i have is the little things. She sent me $20. for bus fair and cigarette money. I would quit smoking and walk to work everyday just to have her say in actual words, " I love you." Me and my chongo tell each other I love you every single day, and it means the world to me, but it means everything to me just to hear my mother say those words. If she does not want to say the words fine, then show that i am in your thoughts, and that is why the magazine are a big issue with me. Out of sight out of mind. i could have gone to see her today but i stayed to see if she would remember.

So i sit here everyday, there can be a room full of people sitting around me and i will still feel alone. Maybe its my views, maybe its my thoughts, maybe i have out grown some people. all i know is that there are some people in my life who meant the world to me and have for some reason decided that they want out of my life with no explanation and no reasoning. It wouldn't be there first time this has happened. If she dose not want to be part of my life i cant make her. i will miss her but its her choice and im sorry that i dont make as much money as you, hell up untill 2 days from now i didnt have a job and i was just back from Texas. So im seriously thinking of moving to Ohio. If you combine all of the things i just wrote about and add in the life time of shit i have so far, and then lived it with the volume pushed up to the max you would want to run away too. But i did make my promise to Chongo, and my heart is empty so im torn. For the few person who actully reads this what would you do if you were in my shoes and weighed 50 lbs more?

Dont do drugs dont smoke weed. I hate drugs. I hate what it does to people and I hate the people who do them. Im am maybe the one in a million person who has never tried them and never wondered what they felt like. I look down on people who have "tried it once" and i cant even look someone in the eyes who smokes it on the regular. I try not to judge cause if given the chance i would take hands full of pills and chase it with a bottle of vodka and look forward to the sleep. Judge me if you want but remember just cause i cant stand to look at you does not mean that you know that i cant stand to look at you.

Chongo I love you and no matter what i hope that we stay friends for ever even if i cant stand to look at you sometimes. As long as you dont tell me i will be able to look at you with dignity.

I dont care how gay I sound when i say this but its true. Im listening to Some Were Over The Rainbow and im crying. I think about what life was what it is and what it could be. there has never been a set time of my life were i was happy, i had moments but nothing notebook worthy, and i wonder if im going to be happy. Do i stay and be by my self, were one friend calls me once a day and the other leaves me bitter remarks on facebook. With a famly who has their own lives to live and I usually spend my time alone scrap booking and singing to myself. To go to this far off land to be with a guy I have not seen in almost years, and im not sure if its a friend thing a lovers thing or if im going out there to be roomates with benifits. I want to be happy i wnat to be with someone who makes me happy and who i make happy, i want to have my friends coexist with eathother and have peacefull times together, and this is why i cry. I dont see any of that happening so get mad at me for saying SHOW ME what I mean to you. I just want to see that im wanted and not just someone you call when there is nothing else to do. I want my life to be at peace. I know thats a lot to ask me but i dont know how to make life changing choices, they start out good but always end up with a big fail stamp placed in a very noticeable spot. Before I get yelled at via Facebook, text message or phone conversation im not talking about anyone person, im talking about all of you so lets just leave it at that.

Musicals

I have a far too glorified opinion on how my life should be. I want to walk down the street and randomly the crowd brakes into dance. A song fills the air and singing replaces our normal conversations. There is an arch enemy and I play the hero. The Codependent shy boy with just enough bounce in his step and highlight to his hair. Lost on the path we call life, hurt but never jaded. Hard but still sensitive. Not too many lead characters but just enough extras so we don't get too bored with the cast. Story line and lyrics that would put Stephen Sondheim to shame. I could be Oliver looking for his way, I could be Anna looking for her king. Sweeney Todd looking for his next Victim. But im more like Tracey Turnblad without the Link. This blog is so gay, and I don't mean like stupid I mean like to guys blowing each other in the bathroom at Griffith Park. With I have never don't (allegedly).

I just have this glorified idea on how my life should be and its not. I'm almost 30 and Just a year ago my life was so much better. I was Thin(ner) single but OK with it and I had a "desk" job that was basically in title only but still it was more then I have now. I'm not saying that moving to Texas was a bad decision but I gained 80 pounds and anything that makes me fat is wrong. If i had to choose between Getting my head cut off or gaining 100 pounds, I would have lost an average 10 pounds with a snap of my fingers (on average the human head weighs 10 pounds). I'm really just looking for my happy. Some day i will be happy and maybe wont be referencing musicals, unless that is my job because if it is I would be real good at it.

Who do I tell

I tried to tell my Bestie Liz today, every time I wanted to I chickened out. But now I dont have to. Im willing to leave again to see if the man I once loved and I still had a chance. All i needed was a few words to be said to me, no i didnt need him to tell me that he loves me. Many people have told me that and i know that the words do not matter its the actions that do. But he didnt say them, and when i tried to talk to my little sister (cause she is the one who is the closeted to me) she turned everything around on me and took all her anger that she has for other people towards me. I dont see the problem in wanting to be wanted, to have some one need me. To hear words that no one says to me. I want to be happy, why cant i be happy. Im tired of people wanting me when there is no one else available. I know im not attractive, and I know im so much of a smart ass that I keep people at a distance. I dont know what to do. You know what people HELP ME the way I help you, you call me to ask me questions you call me when you need to talk, why do I get the answering machine when I call. Im done, and all I wanted to hear was that you wanted me.

whats wrong with me.

I dont know whats wrong with me. Im unhappy. My mind is in a million things running through my head and it bothers me so much that I dont know why. All I do anymore is sleep. I want to run away and go find my happy but it dosent matter were i go i just cant find it. Im never happy were i go and i figure ill just be unhappy for the rest of my life.