Im tired

I very tired of my life, There is nothing wrong; im just tired of it. I dont think i did but for the benefit of the doubt im going to say that i miss heard. Ive been fighting with my best friend for the better part of 2 hours over the fact that i need to be left in the dark when it comes to certain things. Combine that with the fact that my mom always forgets about me. I have a lot of free time on my hands since i have a job that dose not start for another 2 days. i was making her a scrape book but due to the, for the benefit of the doubt we will say its my fault since i was no were in area at the time of the accident. All of the supplies i had to make her book was ruined so ive been working on other random shit waiting for the back up supplies i left in Texas to arrive. I asked her for some of the old magazines she had so i can cut up for pictures and letters. Its nothing major but she forgot. Its very little, but when it comes to me and my family all i have is the little things. She sent me $20. for bus fair and cigarette money. I would quit smoking and walk to work everyday just to have her say in actual words, " I love you." Me and my chongo tell each other I love you every single day, and it means the world to me, but it means everything to me just to hear my mother say those words. If she does not want to say the words fine, then show that i am in your thoughts, and that is why the magazine are a big issue with me. Out of sight out of mind. i could have gone to see her today but i stayed to see if she would remember.

So i sit here everyday, there can be a room full of people sitting around me and i will still feel alone. Maybe its my views, maybe its my thoughts, maybe i have out grown some people. all i know is that there are some people in my life who meant the world to me and have for some reason decided that they want out of my life with no explanation and no reasoning. It wouldn't be there first time this has happened. If she dose not want to be part of my life i cant make her. i will miss her but its her choice and im sorry that i dont make as much money as you, hell up untill 2 days from now i didnt have a job and i was just back from Texas. So im seriously thinking of moving to Ohio. If you combine all of the things i just wrote about and add in the life time of shit i have so far, and then lived it with the volume pushed up to the max you would want to run away too. But i did make my promise to Chongo, and my heart is empty so im torn. For the few person who actully reads this what would you do if you were in my shoes and weighed 50 lbs more?

Dont do drugs dont smoke weed. I hate drugs. I hate what it does to people and I hate the people who do them. Im am maybe the one in a million person who has never tried them and never wondered what they felt like. I look down on people who have "tried it once" and i cant even look someone in the eyes who smokes it on the regular. I try not to judge cause if given the chance i would take hands full of pills and chase it with a bottle of vodka and look forward to the sleep. Judge me if you want but remember just cause i cant stand to look at you does not mean that you know that i cant stand to look at you.

Chongo I love you and no matter what i hope that we stay friends for ever even if i cant stand to look at you sometimes. As long as you dont tell me i will be able to look at you with dignity.

I dont care how gay I sound when i say this but its true. Im listening to Some Were Over The Rainbow and im crying. I think about what life was what it is and what it could be. there has never been a set time of my life were i was happy, i had moments but nothing notebook worthy, and i wonder if im going to be happy. Do i stay and be by my self, were one friend calls me once a day and the other leaves me bitter remarks on facebook. With a famly who has their own lives to live and I usually spend my time alone scrap booking and singing to myself. To go to this far off land to be with a guy I have not seen in almost years, and im not sure if its a friend thing a lovers thing or if im going out there to be roomates with benifits. I want to be happy i wnat to be with someone who makes me happy and who i make happy, i want to have my friends coexist with eathother and have peacefull times together, and this is why i cry. I dont see any of that happening so get mad at me for saying SHOW ME what I mean to you. I just want to see that im wanted and not just someone you call when there is nothing else to do. I want my life to be at peace. I know thats a lot to ask me but i dont know how to make life changing choices, they start out good but always end up with a big fail stamp placed in a very noticeable spot. Before I get yelled at via Facebook, text message or phone conversation im not talking about anyone person, im talking about all of you so lets just leave it at that.